Tuesday, March 15, 2011

My blog is screaming at me for an update...

Here I go again, boycotting my blog... again.  I don't know whether it's the fact that I have slim to no time, or that I'm avoiding my blog because of everything that's going on in my life right now.  I think part of my problem is that when I write something down, it's like a reality check.  It's real.  Frankly, I don't like some of the things going on in my life right now, therefore I don't like to think of it being "real"... even though it is real.  Ugh.

So here's what I've been  up to....(besides procrastinating my 15 page paper due soon...)

I'm still having certain situations with coworkers, but when this girl lays down the law.... it's not about play time anymore.  I don't want to go down that road right now, because work is going good... and of course I don't want to jinx myself.

I'm still a vegetarian.  So many people had doubts that I wouldn't last this long but... TA DA!  I still am.  And I enjoy it.  Although I haven't been a vegetarian very long, I've probably answered the question "why are you a vegetarian?" about 25 million times.  I am constantly finding myself explaining and justifying my reasons for choosing to be a vegetarian.  However, I do still eat fish.  Some people think that's a cheat, I think of it as.. baby steps.  It's hard for a person who has grown up in America, the meat-eating country.  I do intend to eventually go vegan, but for now it's one step at a time.  Besides, I really do care about the environment and the world, and big meat companies are TERRIBLE for the environment.  Also, I believe in nonviolence.  And slaughter isn't.  I do still hunt, of course.  I'm sure you are all wondering about that and how I can still hunt and be a vegetarian.  In this part of the country, hunting is needed, if we don't have hunters we have over population.  That means animals being killed on the roads, and screwing up the whole chain of life.  I know that I am doing good when I am taking part in controlling the population.  I believe in profit and giving, and that's where my meat goes.  There are many more families that need that meat, so I will donate it to those in need.

I am now alcohol free.  Yup, this party girl has decided to make another big life change.  Don't read this the wrong way, I do not have an addiction.. but rather a problem starting and I don't like the road it's taking me down.  I have had a couple eye opening experiences lately (no problems with the law, thank you buddha!) but enough to make me recognize my life style.  I was sober once upon a time, for a long time and I had no problems having fun and being just as silly as I am while intoxicated.  This is where I thank my parents (and buddha of course) for the free spirit they have given me.  I am happy, and healthy, and most of all... safe.  I will just pray for the strength and do as best as I can.

I think I'm reopening the doors to "love".  I have always been a loving person, but I mean more... well, romantically? I don't know that I can confidently say that I am... However, I wonder: how does one know when they are ready to love again?  Do you just wake up one morning and say "Today.  Today I am ready to love again." Or do you have a checklist of things you must complete before you are ready to love?  Well I find myself day dreaming a lot more (about love... corny I know), and being more open with men.  Whereas before, I would lock up and the minute I developed feelings... I stuck that awesome thumb of mine out and hitch hiked away with a cloud of dust behind me.  Maybe that's a sign? Maybe it isn't?   For being a pretty "fearless person"-one thing I've been scared of is... well, love.  I am aware that every relationship is different than the last, but it's so disheartening to see so many fall apart.  It doesn't help that I came from a divorced household and that fear (the fear of failing at relationships) is always haunting me.  But... back to my point, am I just being curious or am I ready?  To be continued on this thought....

Last, I have had the best time being a "Therapist" lately.  I love love love my job and I love love love the kids I work with.  I may say that it's a headache or that I feel myself loosing patience some days.... but I have never learned so much from kids...rewarding does not even justify.  I am reminded every day that I am making a difference in someone's life- and to work with and see these kids and adolescents express themselves and their fears.... there are simply no words.  Well, maybe hallelujah.  :)

The Art Therapy room... Drawn by me, painted by the kids.  :)  PROUD.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


               Apparently my inspiration for anything has went on vacation without telling me.  I've lost all inspiration.  I've temporarily lost myself.  In my 23 years of (mostly) wonderful life, I've never felt so empty.  Not even after my relationship (with my 'once upon a time' love of my life... ) completely failed.  How is it possible to listen to people who don't even know me?  Why do I let people like this affect me?  I'm well aware I can't please everyone, and I'm well aware that I am not perfect.  So......

              Ode to you all,

         Why don't you all listen to my side of the story?  Why do men get to rule the world?  I have a voice too.  Yeah, I may have screwed up.  I am NOT perfect... nor do I have any intentions on being perfect.  That's what makes me who I am.  If you have a problem with me then why don't you man up and come to me yourself.  I MAKE MISTAKES.  I also fix them.  I did not survive 23 years flying by the seat of my pants.  I have worked hard to get where I am at and the mistakes I have made will only make me stronger in the long run.  But stop trying to bring me down.  Let me ask you this, does it make you feel good about yourself to bring me to that level?  I have never ever felt so empty.  I have never felt such low self worth.  I hope your parents taught you what empathy means.  I know mine did.  So if you really want to get to know me... here is what I am:
I am determined.
I am curious.
I am intense. 
I am spontaneous.
I am artistic.
I am loyal.
I am courageous.
I am stubborn.
I am ambitious.
I am responsible.
I am helpful.
I am energetic. 
I am friendly. 
I am patient.
I am imaginative. 
I am peaceful. 
I am compassionate. 
I am free spirited. 
I am generous. 
I am smart. 
I am not perfect.  
I am Haley. 

I hope you know that I have feelings too.